then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
