did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
