IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
