we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize