We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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