I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
