Just fell off a train. Bad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
