True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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