Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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