I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
