my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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