you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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