Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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