I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
