google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We were destined to go to rehab together
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
