I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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