why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
