Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
