oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
