I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
someone owes me an orgasm
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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