drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize