I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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