The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
