When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
