Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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