Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
