we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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