he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
