I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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