you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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