Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
