Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
