Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
