I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
