Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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