Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
