I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
