if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
