This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pants are for mortals
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You left your phone here
Wait...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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