apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
