come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
