I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
