I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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