Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Shitshow foam night was such a success
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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