life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
