Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
