her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize