I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
