Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
