im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
