Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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