That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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