Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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