Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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