70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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