Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
