he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
