How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
