when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
