i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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