so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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