you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize