I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
