Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
