My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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