Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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