I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize