I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
